Finally Understanding...

So the last couple weeks of June were tough for me... As some of you may or may not know, we miscarried back in Nov of last year at 8.5 weeks. So, our due date should have been somewhere in the middle two weeks of June. The miscarriage is something I didn't want to talk about for a long time. I process things internally... it's just how I deal. I luckly have a small handful of amazing women in my life who have unfortunately experienced this loss, and without them I am not sure how I would have made it through. The pregnancy wasn't planned, but we were thrilled and felt blessed, albeit a bit nervous to have 2 exactly 2 years apart. I will say I loved that baby from the moment we had our first ultrasound, and it was measuring a little small. I won't go into details about our loss, but it was an awful rollercoaster. We went from thinking it wasn't viable, to viable, not viable, then finally seeing a heartbeat... then none. I am still trying to understand what God's intention was by deciding to bring our baby back to heaven. I am one of those who truly believes for every cirucmstance, there is a reason. One thing I have taken away, is the miracle of life, and how amazing it is, but also how quickly it can be destroyed in an instant. I have learned that people (most well meaning, some maybe not), don't know how to respond to a miscarriage. I have heard countless uncomfortable mutterings of "Oh, God was just protecting you from a disabled child", or "It just wasn't meant to be, it's okay just try again", or "Oh, they would have been too close together in age, so it will happen when it's meant to". A couple people were totally insensitive, but they are the type you just don't expect much from period. Others responded with "I am so sorry, I don't know what to say, but I'm praying for you" (I prefer this!). I found that the whole experience was extremely isolating... probably one of the most isolating, lonely experiences of my entire life. I hate to admit this, but I found myself irritated with my good friends who hadn't experienced such a loss, because I didn't feel like they could relate. I know they love me and wanted to help, but they just didn't get it (understandably!)... especially those who don't have children yet. In a way, this forced me to create closer, stronger bonds with a few wonderful women I had friendships with before, but am now closer to. That is a good thing. We are part of that 'club' that no one wants to be a part of. I felt such a range of emotions, and was left scarred, broken down, and puzzled as to what came next, and what God's plan for us was from here. All of these things, while having to hold it together for precious LG. Over the months following, I learned alot about myself, as well as what I expect from myself as a person, mother, wife, etc. I have grown exponentially. I know I can handle alot of crap, and make it through. I am strong! Then, God lead me to a crossroads in the month of June (ironically the month we should have had our baby!). He randomly placed me in the path of 5 people (friends) who experienced a miscarriage. Some very close friends, but most not. I felt a surge of love and protection over these women, like a mama hen, and was able to reach out and help (hopefully!) walk them through the range of emotions and steps to take to overcome this profound loss. It was so amazing for little me to feel like I was actually helping other women cope with their loss through my experience. I loved this feeling that I could actually DO something to help, and make them realize they are not alone. That is the best feeling in the world, to help others. I then realized something when a friend brought it to my attention. God was using ME to work through these women, as well as heal myself and bring a sense of closure to my situation. Maybe this is a part of his well laid plan?!? I hope so. I do feel a sense of peace and resolution with God now. I was angry at him for awhile, but now I am just content. I know we will meet our 3rd little one someday in heaven... I really do! And I love to think that maybe that baby crossed paths with our earthly one now in my belly, who we will meet in 4.5 short months. I now have a deep, strong compassion for those women who have lost, or who are coping with infertility. It strikes up a deep sense of sorrow in me, for I know what they are feeling and that awful sense of desolation. I know that through this process, I will ulitmately be a more caring, patient, loving mommy than before, because I realize what a miracle our earthly little children are :)